Argo (Ben Affleck, George Clooney and Grant Heslov)
alt: Silver Linings Playbook (Bruce Cohen, Donna Gigliotti and Jonathan Gordon)
Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. Not that Argo would be the best choice, but it's something of a foregone conclusion by now. There are four films in the running for Best Picture, though, despite what you may have heard.
Steven Spielberg (Lincoln)
alt: Ang Lee (Life of Pi)
These are the other two Best Picture contenders. And then there's Michael Haneke. And David O. Russell. And, fuck, Benh Zeitlin could win. And rub it square up the arse of Film Independent.
Best Actor in a Leading Role
Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln)
alt: Hugh Jackman (Les Misérables)
I know, lol. Hugh Jackman! That's how certain Daniel Day-Lewis is to win. It's not even cool any more to see DDL win, it's just obvious. It's always gonna happen. You could make a fucking gif on your iphone of him taking a shit and he'd win an Oscar for it.
Best Actress in a Leading Role
Emmanuelle Riva (Amour)
alt: Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook)
I don't see how they wouldn't give this to Emmanuelle Riva. Also, happy birthday, Emmanuelle. See? That woman, that performance, that film. JLaw is almost a quarter of her age. Riva is older than the Oscars themselves. If JLaw wins, I'll wake the fucking neighbourhood, I mean it.
Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Robert De Niro (Silver Linings Playbook)
alt: Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained)
Any one of the five nominees could win. In fact, the least likely is Philip Seymour Hoffman, and he won the Critics Choice. Tough shit, BFCA, how many did you match this year?!? Robert De Niro shoved a chilli up his bum and a raw onion up his nose to squeeze out two whole tears on Katie; ergo, he wins.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Anne Hathaway (Les Misérables)
alt: Sally Field (Lincoln)
The only person less shocked than me when Anne Hathaway wins this Oscar will be Anne Hathaway. But just you wait for the hand over the mouth, the raised eyebrows, the utter disbelief on her face! Now that's Oscar-worthy acting.
Best Writing (Original Screenplay)
Quentin Tarantino (Django Unchained)
alt: Michael Haneke (Amour)
Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger plz. Can I haz Oscar nao?
Best Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
David O. Russell (Silver Linings Playbook)
alt: Chris Terrio (Argo)
I will shit myself so hard they'll be able to smell it in the fucking Dolby Theatre.
Claudio Miranda (Life of Pi)
alt: Roger Deakins (Skyfall)
They could reward Roger Deakins because he's Roger Deakins, but what good has that been the last nine times he was nominated? Also, they could reward Roger Deakins because he deserves it, but what good has that been the last 84 years?
Best Film Editing
William Goldenberg (Argo)
alt: William Goldenberg and Dylan Tichenor (Zero Dark Thirty)
Argo's only win other than Best Picture, by my count. I mean, you know a film's the best of the year when the editing rly pops, right? Nothing to do with the directing, the acting, the writing, the cinematography, the score, no no!
Best Production Design
Sarah Greenwood and Katie Spencer (Anna Karenina)
alt: David Gropman and Anna Pinnock (Life of Pi)
Apparently Life of Pi has a shot at this one. It barely matters who wins if it's not Anna Karenina. Should blind people be allowed to vote on this category? Or would it be discriminatory to exclude them?
Best Costume Design
Jacqueline Durran (Anna Karenina)
alt: Paco Delgado (Les Misérables)
Rule #1 of costume design: Put Anne Hathaway in a pink dress.
Rule #2 of costume design: Then put Anne Hathaway in a red dress.
Then wait for an Oscar. If you don't get one, your dresses weren't pouffy enough.
Best Sound Mixing
Simon Hayes, Andy Nelson and Mark Paterson (Les Misérables)
alt: Ron Bartlett, Doug Hemphill and Drew Kunin (Life of Pi)
Musicals always win Best Sound Mixing. When they don't, it's because they're too good for the Oscars.
Best Sound Editing
Eugene Gearty and Philip Stockton (Life of Pi)
alt: Karen M. Baker and Per Hallberg (Skyfall)
Nobody in the Academy knows what Sound Editing is. Not even the sound editors know. And, since Les Mis isn't nominated here, it's gonna have to be one of the others. Cue Life of Pi, the resident next best contender in every category!
Best Visual Effects
Erik De Boer, Ronald Elliott, Guillaume Rocheron and Bill Westenhofer (Life of Pi)
alt: Janek Sirrs, Daniel Sudick, Jeff White and Guy Williams (The Avengers)
Imagine Life of Pi doesn't win. Just imagine.
Julie Dartnell and Lisa Westcott (Les Misérables)
alt: Rick Findlater, Peter King and Tami Lane (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey)
You make Anne Hathaway look like a toothless whore, you win an Oscar. Srsly, they could have cut everything out of Les Mis except I Dreamed a Dream and it'd still win these same three Oscars. And it would've been a better film. Win win!
Best Music (Original Score)
Mychael Danna (Life of Pi)
alt: Alexandre Desplat (Argo)
I love Alexandre Desplat, I surely do, but if he wins for his Argo score, which I can remember utterly nothing of, I'll be very upset. He deserves an Oscar, just not for Argo. Also, it might indicate an Argo sweep.
Best Music (Original Song)
Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth – ‘Skyfall’ (Skyfall)
alt: J. Ralph – ‘Before My Time’ (Chasing Ice)
The reason Before My Time is my alternate is that all the unintelligent voters will vote for Skyfall, leaving all the intelligent ones to make up their own minds. The only other semi-worthy winner is Before My Time, and it's the most memorable in context. But how do you resist the opportunity of Adele at the Oscar podium? Answer: you don't know who Adele is. Who doesn't know who Adele is? Answer: most of the Academy.
Best Animated Feature Film
Wreck-It Ralph (Rich Moore)
alt: Frankenweenie (Tim Burton)
Brave could also win. In fact, it probably will win. Just because I haven't predicted it. Such is life.
Best Documentary Feature
Searching for Sugar Man (Malik Bendjelloul and Simon Chinn)
alt: The Gatekeepers (Dror Moreh, Estelle Fialon and Philippa Kowarsky)
The Gatekeepers is the only nominee here which I haven't seen. I loved the other four, so I'd be pleased to see any of them win.
Best Foreign Language Film
Amour – Austria
alt: Kon-Tiki – Norway
Similarly, Kon-Tiki is the only nominee here which I haven't seen. Not so similarly, I didn't love the other four. No doesn't deserve it, and A Royal Affair is shite. Amour will win, though, so it's all gooood.
Best Short Film (Live Action)
Curfew (Shawn Christensen)
alt: Buzkashi Boys (Sam French and Ariel Nasr)
Seen none of them. Going off buzz. The buzz says Curfew, or maybe Buzkashi Boys. Duh.
Best Short Film (Animated)
Paperman (John Kahrs)
alt: Head Over Heels (Fodhla Cronin O’Reilly and Timothy Reckart)
Again, my alternate is the only one of these nominees which I haven't seen. So I put it in second! Paperman annoyed me, and charmed me. Adam and Dog was beguiling. The Longest Daycare was OK. Fresh Guacamole delighted me, and if it wins, I might squeal.
Best Documentary Short
Open Heart (Kief Davidson and Cori Shepherd Stern)
alt: Mondays at Racine (Robin Honan and Cynthia Wade)
And again, I've seen none of these. Also again, going off buzz. Open Heart has it. Sad story, foreign country... I smell Oscar!