Thursday, 13 August 2015


Full disclosure: I made the choice to see Chris Columbus' Pixels not out of desire, nor a sense of obligation, nor anything approaching respect. I made that choice out of boredom. And I left the theatre as bored as I had walked in, only with a renewed excitement, that the remainder of my day could only get better, that reality could only improve upon this trite, juvenile fantasy, that it'd be a long, long time before I'd have to sit through another film of comparable quality (or lack thereof). I can attest that my day did, indeed, get better, and that reality has improved upon Pixels' fantasy to an infinite degree. This is a stupid film made by stupid people for stupid people, with stupid characters, a stupid concept, a stupid plot and stupid dialogue. It is brazenly sexist, racist and homophobic, and I'll offer no receipts because: a) I don't need to; and b) I don't care. It's a CGI-driven film in which the CGI is bland and unimpressive. It's a comedy in which the humour is all but absent entirely, unless you're a member of this film's target demo: teen boys, they presume, though I'd add that those among said demo with any sense of morality or maturity ought to exclude themselves out of respect for their own intelligence. The cast's burgeoning troop of man-children bide their time through this cinematic squalor by effectively challenging one another to a contest of increasing asininity and boorishness, and Michelle Monaghan is there too, like a citrus-sweet burst of fresh air among the general odour of stale farts, dried-on jizz and a variety of lipids. And to think - a movie this repulsive actually bored me. It's not just hideous, it's hideously dull!