REVIEW - V/H/S

You'll not be shocked to learn that Stanley Kubrick was sure on to something. Remember The Shining's iconic Steadicam shots? Now picture those in grainy, wobbly shaky-cam. I feel like a proper hypocrite criticising V/H/S for its relentless shaky-cam, since the point is that it is comprised solely of found camcorder footage, but the truth is that I just prefer this style of shooting when it serves a much more superfluous function, like in Paul Greengrass' films. Is it wrong of me, in this review, to keep bringing up better directors than those responsible for this crud? If my mind wanders, then that is surely appropriate, since it wandered through every tiresome minute of V/H/S. I recalled films where I could see what was happening, hear what was happening, care about what was happening, not know what was going to happen next. Films where the jokes were funny, the dialogue rang true, the performances were believable. Films where there wasn't the threat of gratuitous sex and violence around every corner, films where there was such a threat, and it was handled with intelligence and ingenuity. Horror films which actually scared me, rather than bored me. Films with characters older than 25, with IQs greater than 25, with non-Caucasian Americans. I also recalled films in which I had seen much of this shit before, and I recalled how much better it was that time. Is any of this too much to ask? All these directors, and all these writers, and not one of them could oblige. Before you die, you see V/H/S, and may you then embrace death with arms wide open.