THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: AI

Shameful. Crying at Artificial Intelligence: AI. Not that I'd ever do that. Never...

But here's the thing. It's just so sad. There's this terribly traumatic abandoning scene part way through the film, followed by some pretty horrific stuff, and then a heartbreaking ending that's an immeasurably long way away from what Stanley Kubrick likely envisaged for the film he was planning prior to his death. But without it, it wouldn't be nearly as sad! So sad! So sad.

THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - MY GIRL

Hey look! It's a feature on its correct day! No need to be so upset, James!

I haven't seen My Girl in years, and I bet it's rly shit. But I remember it made me very sad. Dunno if it ever made me cry, though. My cousins had it on video. It was ever so upsetting. Don't have time to watch it again now. Have to watch other films.

THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - THE LION KING

Well, this one goes without saying.

The Lion King is one of the rare films (not rare enough) that could make me cry without me even having to watch it (the other two are also Disney films...). You all know the bit I'm talking about - that bastard Scar! What a cunt! "Everything the light touches is our kingdom". Sound of my childhood! + me crying. Actually that's the sound of my entire life. Fs.

THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - MOULIN ROUGE!

Now just imagine my face after I saw Moulin Rouge!

The first time I saw Moulin Rouge!, the 2001 Baz Luhrmann one, I wasn't all that moved. At least, not to tears. I loved the film, ofc. A few watches (and quite a few!) later, I sure was. It actually is so sad! Melodramatic as you like, but Luhrmann's a master at that (at times...), and that's why it works. I won't let on the ending, but I'll let on the beginning, and Nicole Kidman dies!! Always a reason to blub.

THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - DANCER IN THE DARK

This is what happens when you watch Dancer in the Dark.

Lars von Trier gives it right to you. You don't have to take it. He's a master manipulator, which is kind of to say he's a master filmmaker. Dancer in the Dark is an incredible film with an incredible performance by Bjork, and its concluding scene is incredibly moving. You don't know gut-wrenching cinema until you know Dancer in the Dark.

THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - MARLEY & ME

You'd look like that too if you'd just watched Marley & Me.

Marley & Me is, mostly, a bad, bad film, with a very nice dog. Dogs are so great and I love them! It's so sad at the end of Marley & Me, and I'm sure you can imagine what happens. In fact, I'm sure you've already seen the film. Actually, I'm not sure about that. But I am sure that Marley & Me is such a sad film!

THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - THE LAND BEFORE TIME

That was my face too.

Yeh, I know, this is ridiculous. But look, this is the only film ever to have made me blub. I was, like, six years old or something, but I bet I needed far more hankies than just three.

WHAT'S ON A THREE-HANKY TURKEY?

It's not Tuesday, but Chinese Roulette is still a turkey! Rainer Werner Fassbinder made some very good films, though I'm still not sure he ever made any great ones, and I know there are many who would disagree with me on that. But Chinese Roulette is a very silly, campy (in a bad way), faux-serious film. If you want to watch a Fassbinder film, make it something else, k?

Aw shit, it's not even a Wednesday either. But what's on anyway? What about Gravity, the reportedly incredible sci-fi from Alfonso Cuaron with reviews currently sitting at 94 on Metacritic, the day before its release?! See it in the US from tomorrow. If you're in the UK, you can see Kevin MacDonald's How I Live Now, starring Saoirse Ronan. It's a harder-hitting British version of the current young adult movie craze, and it looks rather good! Or what about A.C.O.D.? The comedy opens in three theatres in the US this weekend, so if you live near one of those three, make sure to catch it! Who knows, it could be shit, but it stars Catherine O'Hara, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Amy Poehler, Richard Jenkins and the yummy Adam Scott, so it could also be great!

Thankfully, it is Thursday. But not even that can stop James Van Der Beek from bursting into tears! Though that's probably because of Marley & Me. You don't even need me to tell you how sad Marley & Me is because you already know. It's about a dog, and the dog dies at the end. SPOILER ALERT! Put that in the wrong place, actually. Anyway, my tear ducts are on standby every time I so much as see a doggy, so you can imagine!

Pfft why do I even bother with a blog?!

THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - UNITED 93

It's actually 93-hanky Thursday. Poor James.

An unparalleled example of a film that makes you cry without actually trying to make you cry. It's just kind of inevitable that you will, such is the strength of the filmmaking. Paul Greengrass' astonishingly gripping film is as realistic a depiction of the fate of the fourth plane on 9/11 as you could wish to see, and the emotional force of the film is only intensified by Greengrass' staunch realism, as he refuses the opportunity to wring those tears out of you, knowing that they're bound to erupt all the same. An exceptional film.

THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - UP

James Van Der Beek just discovered it's not actually Thursday and he started crying. The he watched Up.

Look, it's Thursday somewhere, right? Whatever day it is, it's the right day to watch Up, just one of Pixar Animation Studio's many masterworks. Unlike most sad films, Up doesn't make you cry at the end, but right at the start, and boy oh boy does it indeed! And then again a few more times later on. Michael Giacchino won an Oscar for writing music that made Oscar voters weep just thinking about it. Well, not Oscar voters perhaps, more like me...

THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - PAY IT FORWARD

Poor James Van Der Beek. He's just seen Pay It Forward.

Pay It Forward is not a great film. The critics don't like it much. But don't listen to the critics! Listen to your heart... (vomit). It gets super-duper-mawkish at the end, not that it's exactly subtle at any point before then, but boy is it sad. And if you don't feel a tear begin to simmer up in your eye, never mind, there's a good ten minutes-odd of heart-wringing, with a Sarah MacLachlan soundtrack no less, to go. Stock up on Kleenex!

THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - GRAVE OF THE FIREFLIES

James Van Der Beek's been on again cos he's just seen Grave of the Fireflies and now he's totes emoshe.

Gosh, this fucking film. It's one of the all-time finest war films. And it's one of the all-time finest children's films, though it's pretty disturbing. Isao Takahata does not flinch once in depicting the desperate harshness of life for two orphans left homeless and unwanted after their home town is bombed in World War II. And despite the opening scene revealing the fate of these charming, resilient kids, the emotional gut-punch of the final 20 minutes is impossible to ignore. Don't watch when you're feeling vulnerable.

THREE-HANKY THURSDAY - FINDING NEVERLAND

Just found this pic of poor James Van Der Beek crying cos he's just watched Finding Neverland.

You'll cry too. A big recommendation! I've seen lots of films from 2004, but this one remains my favourite. I'm an enormous soppy sop sometimes, but all the time when Finding Neverland is on. Nevertheless, it's a beautifully made film, with memorable performances (Freddie Highmore has still yet to top his turn here) and gorgeous visual design. My heart rate soars every time the kite scene comes on! But it breaks every time the final scene (above) comes on. So does James Van Der Beek's.