TURKEY TUESDAY - A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

Imagine my horror! I finally discovered the courage to face one of my biggest fears (Freddy Krueger - yeh I know, lol rly) and watch Wes Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street from 1984. And it was a bit shit. There are some good moments, no doubt, but it's still a bit shit. The acting is a bit shit. The effects are a bit shit. The Simpsons did it better.

TURKEY THURSDAY - EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE

Extremely Shit and Incredibly Bollocks is a rly rly bad film and that's common knowledge. It's one of the most offensive films I've seen, because I consider it to have offended me greatly by having stolen a lot of my time and attention and making me despair about the state of humanity. Because what sort of human would permit such a film to be released? The main character and the actor playing him ought to be purged from the annals of the existence of our species.

TURKEY TUESDAY - LOVE ACTUALLY

I probably needn't even iterate how bad Love Actually is. Not that it's a universally despised film! Just that it's the sort of film which you've surely already seen if you like it, and which you've surely already avoided if you knew you wouldn't like it. I knew I wouldn't like it and I didn't. It's all the worst things about Richard Curtis (which is most of the things about Richard Curtis), just with a cast of actors who mostly ought to be off making better films elsewhere. Starring Oskar Schindler, Bilbo Baggins, Anna Karenina, Nanny McPhee, Davy Jones, King George VI, Severus Snape, Solomon Northup, King Xerxes, Mr. Bean and Maxine from Eastenders.

TURKEY TUESDAY - ROBIN HOOD

You've probably heard that Ridley Scott's Robin Hood isn't a terribly good film. Well, it's worse than that - it's a terribly terrible film. A miscast Cate Blanchett, a typecast Mark Strong, a histrionic Oscar Isaac, a disastrous Russell Crowe. It's cliched and dull, visually as well. It's a bloodless mixture of the original Robin Hood tale and Scott's own Gladiator, which is an infinitely superior film. Oh, and it's rly fucking long too. Please don't bother with this dirge. Dirge dirge dirge.

TURKEY TUESDAY - MAN BITES DOG

Nobody likes a turkey (I don't even like one at Christmas), and I've got a huge one for y'all today. Man Bites Dog is the acclaimed (I often think ironically) indie Belgian film from 1992 that launched the career of Benoit Poelvoorde, on the basis that he's the only thing in the film that isn't unbearably amateurish. It's obviously improvised and extremely cheap - cheap and nasty, as they say. Not that I can't get behind provocative cinema, but Man Bites Dog is provocative with no purpose. It's idiotic. Please don't waste your time with this dreck.

TURKEY TUESDAY - GRADIVA

I had hardly heard of Alain Robbe-Grillet's Gradiva (C'est Gradiva qui Vous Appelle) before I saw it, but I did so out of curiosity. And I had definitely heard of Robbe-Grillet, he of one of cinema's most seminal masterpieces, 1961's Last Year at Marienbad. Gradiva is one of the worst films I'll see in all my life. It fails on absolutely every single level. It is utterly abismal. There is not a thing to recommend about it, not even slightly. It is just so, so, so, so awful. Never see it. Please, never see it. It's total bollocks.

TURKEY TUESDAY - EXISTENZ

David Cronenberg's such a great director, but he's not such a great writer. Before Cosmopolis last year, his most recent screenplay was 1999's eXistenZ, and it's bollocks. It's so fucking stupid. It's a total mess. It's just a bunch of ideas floating around in a soup of shit, and they're not even good ideas. Everything about this film is annoying. And it thinks it's so smart! The ending is particularly offensive. Plz. Don't bother with it.

WHAT'S ON A THREE-HANKY TURKEY?

It's not Tuesday, but Chinese Roulette is still a turkey! Rainer Werner Fassbinder made some very good films, though I'm still not sure he ever made any great ones, and I know there are many who would disagree with me on that. But Chinese Roulette is a very silly, campy (in a bad way), faux-serious film. If you want to watch a Fassbinder film, make it something else, k?

Aw shit, it's not even a Wednesday either. But what's on anyway? What about Gravity, the reportedly incredible sci-fi from Alfonso Cuaron with reviews currently sitting at 94 on Metacritic, the day before its release?! See it in the US from tomorrow. If you're in the UK, you can see Kevin MacDonald's How I Live Now, starring Saoirse Ronan. It's a harder-hitting British version of the current young adult movie craze, and it looks rather good! Or what about A.C.O.D.? The comedy opens in three theatres in the US this weekend, so if you live near one of those three, make sure to catch it! Who knows, it could be shit, but it stars Catherine O'Hara, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Amy Poehler, Richard Jenkins and the yummy Adam Scott, so it could also be great!

Thankfully, it is Thursday. But not even that can stop James Van Der Beek from bursting into tears! Though that's probably because of Marley & Me. You don't even need me to tell you how sad Marley & Me is because you already know. It's about a dog, and the dog dies at the end. SPOILER ALERT! Put that in the wrong place, actually. Anyway, my tear ducts are on standby every time I so much as see a doggy, so you can imagine!

Pfft why do I even bother with a blog?!

TURKEY TUESDAY - THE GUARD

Never mind what you've read about John Michael McDonagh's The Guard (I mean, who the fuck needs three names?). It's not funny. Trying this hard to achieve this level of humour is not funny, ever. Swearing is not funny. Of course it can be, it's just not innately funny. Political incorrectness is not funny. Of course, it too can be, but it too is not innately funny. The Guard is boring, plagiaristic in style and content, and an embarrassment for all involved, especially Don Cheadle, who probably had an even worse time filming this shit than I had watching it.

TURKEY TUESDAY - MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO

On Turkey Tuesdays, I warn you off bad films with good reputations. This Tuesday, though, I'm warning you off being warned off My Own Private Idaho. It's one of Gus van Sant's most famous and popular films, and features River Phoenix in his most celebrated role. It's also ignominiously pretentious and extremely dull. But then there's that reputation! There must be a reason for My Own Private Idaho's popularity. So whatever that may be, it's up to you to discover. Just don't say I didn't warn you! ... actually I didn't, did I?

TURKEY TUESDAY - THE SOUND OF MUSIC

I can't stand The Sound of Music. Not the stupid songs. Not the rampant christianity. Not the laughable ending where the cute, happy clappy kids and the nun scoot off into the mountains and hide from the Nazis. Yes, I know it's a true story, but it's stupid. That bit where Peggy Wood's singing and it's just her stupid face and that stupid song: stupid. That bit where that other one's 16 going on about 34. Those FUCKING CHILDREN in their FUCKING LEDERHOSEN made out of FUCKING CURTAINS: STUPID. I like to watch The Sound of Music then fall asleep just before they run away at the end and dream that the Nazis caught the lot of them and bagged them off to Auschwitz. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye indeed.

TURKEY TUESDAY: THE DOOM GENERATION

There are few voices in modern American cinema as boldly and openly unique as Gregg Araki's, or as it used to be. That's probably a good thing, whichever way you look at it. The Doom Generation, from 1995, is one of the most atrocious films that I have seen. Its infuriating hipster-garble, its lame homo-eroticism, its desperate need to provoke outrage (and desperate need to hide the most explicit genital details in so doing)... what a grotesque bore. #youhavebeenwarned

TURKEY TUESDAY: THE HOLY MOUNTAIN

Turkey of the week is Alejandro Jodorowsky's The Holy Mountain! Jodorowsky is a maverick for sure, but his 1973 film is a bloody mess. It is exactly as it was intended to be, but it was intended to be a stupid film, and I don't like stupid films. If you like stupid films, watch The Holy Mountain. Boring, pretentious and probably best appreciated whilst on hallucinogens, which is not a good thing, ever. #youhavebeenwarned